"You're so lucky!"
The oft repeated response whenever someone at work asks me about Hannah's childcare arrangements. Indeed I am fortunate to have such wonderful family support, knowing that Hannah is always being looked after by people who love her, almost unconditionally!
Oh, of course, this is the little monster we are talking about (happily chomping the unsuspecting Mr. Rabbit)...
Having compared notes with my colleagues, here are some of the common childcare arrangements of our local working mommies:
- Send the baby to a local babysitter
- Send the baby to grandparents / relatives staying nearby
- Send the baby, with a hired maid, to grandparents / relatives staying nearby
- Live with grandparents
- Send the baby to grandparents for the week, only collecting her back at the weekends!
The first three options involve early mornings and late evenings, given the state of traffic jams in this city, ferrying the little baby to and fro her carer's house each day. The 4th option is what we have naturally settled into, since our new apartment is not ready for occupation. To many, this seems the most favourable arrangement. However, having the extended family all under the roof of a crowded apartment is not without its drawbacks.
Surprisingly, not a few resort to option five. A significant number will travel home to the East Coast (erm... at least 6-8 hours away?) for their confinement / maternity leave, leaving the husband alone in the city to continue working. Afterwards, many leave their babies behind with the extended family, choosing to come back to KL to work, only visiting their babies occasionally! This continues till the baby is a little older - until he can be placed in the hands of a trusted babysitter.
Well, we have to remember that maternity leave is a mere two months, and there are no creche services in most places of work. So, I suppose leaving the baby behind is safer than taking a risk with an unknown babysitter. After all, we are familiar with stories of child abuse and neglect under the care of hired maids and supposedly trusted babysitters.
So, having considered all options, I should be happy I have the best of all worlds, but am I?
Many years ago, I remember attending a seminar on "Balancing work and family" as a medical student. The speaker was a Consultant Pathologist who had deliberately taken twice as long to complete her training, just so that she could spend time with her children. Obviously, at that time I could not have possibly understood the difficulties of juggling so many roles. The only take-home message I remember is this: you will have to compromise.
That translates to: you will not be the best mommy you strive to be, or be as aggressive as you wish to be in your career aspirations. Spending more time in one area will inevitably result in compromise in the other.
What roles are we talking about? Well, I am first a Christian, a wife, a mother, a doctor, a daughter, a student ... or have I already got it wrong?
It's a little like those chemistry equations with funny arrows pointing both ways - eventually everything settles and the components involved reach an equilibirum. I guess I just haven't found that equilibrium yet.
The truth is, I wish I could be more of a mommy.
It is so difficult to reconcile the fact that my baby spends more waking hours with her carers than with me. Who is her parent?
Parenting choices such as using the dummy(or not), structuring feeding and sleeping times, having supervised tummy time etc., are all out of my reach, simply because I am not there. Trying to force the little baby into "my" routine at the weekends seems cruel, since she already has another routine. Hannah now wakes up irregularly at night, searching for her dummy, simply because she can't do without it now. Trying to break the habit during the weekend seems pointless, since she gets her way during the week!
The utter heartbreak would be if Hannah says "Po Po" as her first words instead of "Ma Ma". I'll blog about it if that happens, and all the working Mommies can then try to console me.
Experts say that babies instinctively know who their mothers are. But I really wouldn't blame Hannah if she gets a little confused. Everybody wants to have a piece of her (remember the market lady?), and Mommy just can't seem to get enough of her!
Working Mommies out there, any words of advice for this anguished Mommy?
























